My Cult and Infinite Growth: A Tale of Two Stories

by helenzuman in Cults, Zendik

[I wrote this essay in June 2014. A month later, a man I met at the Northeast Permaculture Convergence became the first to respond to my admission of cult involvement with a version of, “Yeah, me too.”]

I spent most of my twenties trapped in a story. The story, roughly, was this:

The mass of humanity, also known as “the Deathculture,” is destroying itself, its fellow creatures, our precious web of life. We few dozen Zendiks (heretics, outlaws, revolutionaries), homesteading on a hundred acres in the backwoods of Western North Carolina, are creating a new culture that forsakes competition and lying for cooperation and honesty. Once we’ve cleansed ourselves of our “Deathculture conditioning,” our example will spread everywhere. Competition and lying will cease, along with violence and ecocide. In the meantime, any Zendik who deserts the cause is doomed to half a life. Her betrayal will haunt her till she dies.

In other words, I joined a cult. I was twenty-two; the year was 1999. But I didn’t say, “I joined a cult” until 2005 – six years later.

Since then, I’ve said it hundreds of times, to hundreds of people. Some, in turn, have recounted friends’ and family members’ cult episodes. A few have described living in cults as children, through no choice of their own. A friend said she’d spent time in a group some might consider a cult. The one response I’ve yet to hear? “Yeah, I joined a cult too.”

Why? Where have all the cultists gone?

Maybe the hurdle is the word “cult.” Nobody knowingly joins a cult, and no one in a cult would call it that. We join – we commit to – communes, new religions, meditation circles, personal growth programs, ashrams, revolutions. Saying “I joined a cult” means repudiating a story that’s given our lives meaning. Admitting we surrendered self-trust to a despot crowned by collective delusion. Opening ourselves to others’ judgments – however unfounded – that we’re dumb, weak-minded, naïve.

* * *

But we’re all trapped in a story – The Infinite Growth Myth. Here it is:

Economic growth creates jobs and increases wealth, along with health and happiness. It advances technology and security, nurtures the arts, and allows us to invest in luxuries like developing renewable energy sources and protecting the environment. When it slows or stops, we suffer. We lose drive and purpose; some of us lose access to basics like food and shelter. Someday we’ll discover how to keep the economy growing steadily, forever and ever, and life for all of us, in the United States and throughout the world, will improve exponentially. In the meantime, given a choice between growth and another good, we must choose growth, since it is the spring from which all good flows.

The first story I told – the Zendik story – doesn’t need debunking. Though it starts with a version of a valid observation about human behavior, it ascends, by the second sentence, into an obvious flight of magical thinking. The second story is no less absurd. The economy grows when we start wars, blow bubbles, and pay corporations to do and make more and more of the things we once did and made for each other and ourselves. These activities tend to concentrate wealth in the accounts of the one percent. The economy shrinks when we make peace, burst bubbles, and learn to rely on ourselves and each other for our wants and needs. These activities boost access to essentials – clean air and water, healthy soil, strong relationships – while giving the web of life a desperately needed rest. Finally, and most elementally, infinite growth dependent on infinitely accelerating “resource” extraction cannot happen on a finite planet. Yet, as you read it, The Infinite Growth Myth probably seemed plausible. Why? Because it isn’t some fringe phenomenon. Three hundred million of us live inside it, and help maintain it, every day. Are we all fanatics? Cultists? No, we’re normal. We’re just like everybody else.

* * *

In Combatting Cult Mind Control, veteran exit counselor Steven Hassan says that “the great majority” of former cult members he’s interacted with “were stable, intelligent, idealistic people who tended to have good educations and come from respectable families.” Many showed “a genuine impulse” to work closely with others for “social and religious causes” but had a hard time finding a community through which to channel that impulse. Most Zendiks I knew – myself included – arrived bewildered by the soul-numbing that seemed to be required for survival in a story favoring growing the economy over tending the web of life. So maybe “I joined a cult” also means, “I needed to believe I could belong to a tribe – a tributary – in which some of the mainstream’s insane assumptions could be revised.”

Maybe The Infinite Growth Myth helps drive traffic to cult stories.

What can cult stories offer The Infinite Growth Myth?

Hope for a happy end.

All of us who’ve joined cults and come out know how powerful stories are, and how much harm they can cause, running unchecked. We know how wrenching it is to lose stories that give our lives meaning; we know it’s possible to grieve old stories and weave new ones. If we can claim our knowledge – if we can share it – then maybe we can help lead our culture out of The Infinite Growth Myth and into a truer version of the more beautiful world we were always looking for.

If you liked this post, you’ll love my memoir, Mating in Captivity, in which my twenty-two-year old self enters a cult with a radical take on sex and relationships. Learn more here.

3 Responses to “My Cult and Infinite Growth: A Tale of Two Stories”

  1. Mark says:

    I feel drawn to comment if only because I joined a cult at 22! That remained to be grieved for a long while and self too is grieved as is childhood and this goes much deeper and is a human collective and very much an Earth historical subject. We need to discover our collective history together and we have barely touched upon it. Cults are bad/abusive relationships that’s all and the subject needs to shift from my experience, your experience of cult, to what now? It’s nice to write a book/memoir, but then get over it for what has been the purpose in writing the book but to learn and to not repeat, even the story is repeating. Let others make the mistakes they choose and will continue to make because indeed that is the limited choice they have had available to them.
    I will leave a link https://www.caeayaron.com/ to a visionary, the channel for the Divine Suzanna Maria Emmanuel who is working hard for the fulfilment of our highest destiny and to save the Earth now. She is the author of “Your History Revealed, How You Are Involved, Halisarius Chief Pleiadian Leader Speaks to Mankind”

    • helenzuman says:

      Mark, thanks for writing. I agree with you that collective history is important; I have just recently received the message that I am to dive deep into my ancestry. However, I do not see my cult experience, or any experience, as something to “get over”—I see it as something to compost, into a source of fertility for myself and others, from which beauty and kinship can grow.

    • Rachel says:

      Caeayaron limited has been voluntary struck off as a business! i have been researching it for over a year now as i see more an more people fall victim to this cult. cults do not always have abuse and do not always seem bad they can simply want to draw your money out of your pockets and keep doing it, tricking you into thinking you are going to get to higher levels and having to pay for each level etc or then having programs to teach you how to ‘heal people’. You get told you cant understand things yet you are expected to pay to listen to this lady pretend to channel the devine and more beings of current. The truth will come out

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